My hope is that our story will help other families with their gifted or anxious child.
It is on the Kindle, Nook and soon will be available in paper on Amazon.com.Monday, July 15, 2013
Our Story is Published
I decided that there is just too much to write in my little blogs without having some kind of background "whole picture" view. So I wrote a little book:
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Anxiety and My Gifted Child: A Glass Half Full
My son has anxiety. He isn't even 9 and he has more worries than a 21 year
old college student paying for their first apartment and living on Top Ramen.
He thinks about all the different diseases he read about in Horrible Science
books, he worries about poisonous spider bites and has a fear of heights (with
zero incidents to cause it) and when I tell him that he can only go up to his
ankles in the big waves breaking on shore, he deducts that if he isn’t careful,
he’ll be pulled out into the ocean and never seen again. Seriously.
This is not something I anticipated when I thoughtfully and passionately planned on having children and being a mother. It is painful and scary (and oftentimes annoying) and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
In January we started therapy for a second time. The first round a year ago was with a standard family therapist who looked at me with horror in her eyes at the story of being “pulled out to the ocean and never seen again.” She believed that I said that to my 7 year old! She didn’t understand what “GIFTED” means. (And in case you, the reader, do not, here’s a perfect example of what the gifted mind does: it is thinking far beyond the literal and drawing conclusions most wouldn’t even see; it is visionary and can sometimes be fantastical).
Our new Gifted therapist is guiding us to discover the root of the anxiety. We have “play” sessions where T is creating and drawing and discussing. We have very rich sessions and he seems to be making progress by identifying his anxieties and coping better with them. This week we created “worry boxes” and wrote down some of our worries and sealed them into our individual boxes. We talked about how Mom and Dad’s worries are not for him to worry about and there is a difference between grown-up worries and what worries the kids should have to deal with. He wrote about getting a spider bite and I said, “Well, would you like to hear what Mom would do about that?” He wasn’t interested in hearing about going to the hospital to be treated. He just wanted to worry about the possibility.
Does my son revel in the negative? Does he enjoy the worry, in a way? Today T realized his computer had to be wiped out and reloaded because he downloaded a virus. He was in tears because he felt that he would never get his computer back to the way he had it setup before. Through a painful exchange of my trying to explain that everything could be re-downloaded, I had to stop and take a breath (and raise my voice a little.) “Son! Listen to what is going on here! You are choosing to think the worst instead of listening to my telling you it can all be put back and fine!” As he does so often, he was choosing to see a glass half empty and here I was, pulling my hair out trying to make it all better. We've discussed recently how you can either be part of the Problem or part of the Solution. I sent him to his room with paper and pen to write all the applications we needed to put back onto the computer once it was restored. He calmed right down and started to be part of the solution. Hells to the yeah.
This is not something I anticipated when I thoughtfully and passionately planned on having children and being a mother. It is painful and scary (and oftentimes annoying) and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
In January we started therapy for a second time. The first round a year ago was with a standard family therapist who looked at me with horror in her eyes at the story of being “pulled out to the ocean and never seen again.” She believed that I said that to my 7 year old! She didn’t understand what “GIFTED” means. (And in case you, the reader, do not, here’s a perfect example of what the gifted mind does: it is thinking far beyond the literal and drawing conclusions most wouldn’t even see; it is visionary and can sometimes be fantastical).
Our new Gifted therapist is guiding us to discover the root of the anxiety. We have “play” sessions where T is creating and drawing and discussing. We have very rich sessions and he seems to be making progress by identifying his anxieties and coping better with them. This week we created “worry boxes” and wrote down some of our worries and sealed them into our individual boxes. We talked about how Mom and Dad’s worries are not for him to worry about and there is a difference between grown-up worries and what worries the kids should have to deal with. He wrote about getting a spider bite and I said, “Well, would you like to hear what Mom would do about that?” He wasn’t interested in hearing about going to the hospital to be treated. He just wanted to worry about the possibility.
Does my son revel in the negative? Does he enjoy the worry, in a way? Today T realized his computer had to be wiped out and reloaded because he downloaded a virus. He was in tears because he felt that he would never get his computer back to the way he had it setup before. Through a painful exchange of my trying to explain that everything could be re-downloaded, I had to stop and take a breath (and raise my voice a little.) “Son! Listen to what is going on here! You are choosing to think the worst instead of listening to my telling you it can all be put back and fine!” As he does so often, he was choosing to see a glass half empty and here I was, pulling my hair out trying to make it all better. We've discussed recently how you can either be part of the Problem or part of the Solution. I sent him to his room with paper and pen to write all the applications we needed to put back onto the computer once it was restored. He calmed right down and started to be part of the solution. Hells to the yeah.
There are a couple of lessons I have learned recently:
1. I can't really make it all better, but I can provide empathy and comfort. In all of my frustration, the loving comfort just disappears. The therapist explained that it's okay to set the limits, but if you validate the feeling and offer comfort to them, the limit is alot more palatable. I was immediately reminded of the toddler years. "Toddlerese" is Harvey Karp's method of speaking to a frustrated toddler. You learn to speak their cave-man language and you really can have "The Happiest Toddler on the Block" per his successful book. I just have to pull those skills back into play with my 8 year old. Cool.
2. My anxious boy is trying to create a sense of fulfillment, similar to that of a comfort-eater or a shopaholic. He's trying to fill a need
I told my son that I believe you have a choice in life: You can be a Worrier or you can be a Warrior. I told him“Mom is a Warrior and I will do anything I can to protect you and your brother” which is why I think it’s important to be prepared. That really seemed to resonate with him because, really, what boy doesn’t want to be a Warrior? He lightened up immensely with this idea.
1. I can't really make it all better, but I can provide empathy and comfort. In all of my frustration, the loving comfort just disappears. The therapist explained that it's okay to set the limits, but if you validate the feeling and offer comfort to them, the limit is alot more palatable. I was immediately reminded of the toddler years. "Toddlerese" is Harvey Karp's method of speaking to a frustrated toddler. You learn to speak their cave-man language and you really can have "The Happiest Toddler on the Block" per his successful book. I just have to pull those skills back into play with my 8 year old. Cool.
2. My anxious boy is trying to create a sense of fulfillment, similar to that of a comfort-eater or a shopaholic. He's trying to fill a need
I told my son that I believe you have a choice in life: You can be a Worrier or you can be a Warrior. I told him“Mom is a Warrior and I will do anything I can to protect you and your brother” which is why I think it’s important to be prepared. That really seemed to resonate with him because, really, what boy doesn’t want to be a Warrior? He lightened up immensely with this idea.
Maybe the anxiety is getting better? God, I sure hope so. Clearly, we are growing; we are getting it
together. I'm learning about triggers and how to keep his nosey self out of the grown-up worries. He's learning that life doesn't have to be half-full and he doesn't need to worry about everything. I'm thinking age 9 is going to be a lot better and will be happy to leave age 8 well behind us.
Video Games and the Gifted Child
I stumbled out of bed this morning greeted by two bright-eyed and bushy-tailed boys, rearin' to get the day started. They had already done all their chores and were playing happily with a chain of rubber bands, sharing with me Finn's latest trials on Adventure Time. (cringe) My eldest, nearing 9 years, announces to me "Be there no video games, be there no life." I took this as a cue that he was ready for some gaming time. It's 9am.
Popping in another dark blend K cup, I steel myself for the coming battle, "Okay Guys, let's get some learning done and then you can get to your video games." Little PJ pipes up, "I already did my math, Mom! Three pages!" (seriously?) and the two of them start piping out with math problems. PJ says "Mom, what's 15+15+15?" and I say "What do you think it is?" T says "45!" (I'm impressed because he really hated math for a long time. I query "Wow, T, nice work! How did you come up with the answer?" He replies, "Well, there are three 10s so that is 30 and then there are three 5s and that is 15 and you add them together." I am smiling and thinking alrighty, we've definitely passed the 2nd grade. T spouts "See, I don't need to do math, I've got it down." I reply, "But you're in 3rd grade and you need to master multiplication and division." He smugly explains to me that multiplication is just addition and that "division is just multiplication backwards." I am promptly put in my place. I said, "So what you're telling me, boys, is that you are really quite ready for some gaming time." Cheers and a one-hour window is assigned.
And this is a very happy house today.
I grabbed my cuppa and headed to the laptop. I have to write this stuff down. I've been struggled with the game/learning/life balance in this house, as I have written about before. I think we found a pretty happy medium. A couple of weeks ago I had dinner with a mama friend, who is starting out her unschool adventure with her two boys, ages 6 and 4. She explained that she hasn't restricted their gaming at all, because she is confident that it will run it's course and they will move on to new learning adventures and desires. I had to agree there is logic to that, but my boys and their ability to play for hours on end without reaching boredom, scares the wits out of me. We know that the T Man has some issues with anxiety and finds his escapes in television and games. That is where the free-for-all may not work for us. But what I did get out of that conversation (and numerous others with dad and gifted-mom cohort/coach Amy Harrington) was that perhaps it is just too long of a day to wait for some games, and tossing in an hour during the day might work out well. It has. So instead of having to work all day to get to 4:00 pm game time, the boys now have an hour or so thrown in early in the day which seems to satisfy that eternal craving.
Buffalo Mama just posted this week with similar concerns for her son, titled "But What If All The Kid Wants to Do is Play Video Games?" She has nailed it. Video games can become everything to our gifted anxious children, but life simply is not one big game. Life is full of obligations, such as brushing your teeth and washing dishes (or maybe even knowing how to write a decent English sentence so as to not embarass yourself in your professional future). My kids have to earn their screen time, just like their dad has to go to work all day before he can come home to play with them, and just like I have to clean, prepare food, do laundry, etc before I can sit down and enjoy my Kindle. While allowing kids to follow their passions is very important and we should feed those passions, we do have to be the Parent and teach them the self-control and life skills they are going to need in the real world. It ain't always easy, but I know in the long run it will be worth it.
Now that I've gotten that off my chest, excuse me while I go do some parenting... which will for the next hour or so may look a lot like doing school work.... ;-)
 |
| yet another attempt at a schedule |
And this is a very happy house today.
I grabbed my cuppa and headed to the laptop. I have to write this stuff down. I've been struggled with the game/learning/life balance in this house, as I have written about before. I think we found a pretty happy medium. A couple of weeks ago I had dinner with a mama friend, who is starting out her unschool adventure with her two boys, ages 6 and 4. She explained that she hasn't restricted their gaming at all, because she is confident that it will run it's course and they will move on to new learning adventures and desires. I had to agree there is logic to that, but my boys and their ability to play for hours on end without reaching boredom, scares the wits out of me. We know that the T Man has some issues with anxiety and finds his escapes in television and games. That is where the free-for-all may not work for us. But what I did get out of that conversation (and numerous others with dad and gifted-mom cohort/coach Amy Harrington) was that perhaps it is just too long of a day to wait for some games, and tossing in an hour during the day might work out well. It has. So instead of having to work all day to get to 4:00 pm game time, the boys now have an hour or so thrown in early in the day which seems to satisfy that eternal craving.
Now that I've gotten that off my chest, excuse me while I go do some parenting... which will for the next hour or so may look a lot like doing school work.... ;-)
Monday, January 28, 2013
Hitting a Low Note
It has been a while since I posted anything. It's hard to feel inspired to write when you are just plain in-the-dumps. Once I had a wonderful 2 weeks with the loving support of hubby at home, I finally pulled myself together and I'm shaking it off. New Year, New Beginnings, and all that good stuff.
The Dumps
The T Man progressively became more anxious over the past couple of months, getting sick to his stomach going to a playdate and eventually even refusing to go to the park. He almost skipped out on Halloween! ( Luckily he pulled it together and got some good trick-or-treating in.) By the end of December, we were seeing a weekly occurrance of nausea and vomiting at night time before bed. Hm... manipulation to stay up late or?? I began to get not only frustrated, but sort of hopeless. And then a teenager in Newtown, CT brought me a startling wake-up call: Would my son become this broken if I don't do something immediately to fix this?? By mid-December I yanked money out of my retirement account in order to finance the testing to figure out what is going on with my little boy. That will not be my teenager!
Our learning continues, and as does our chasing of happiness. We've been spending a bit of time on our workbooks and they have both boycotted their online math program, Dreambox. It's way too repetitive for them. There's a wonderful line of books called "Math for the Gifted Student" by Flash Kids that I picked up at Barnes & Noble and it keeps math interesting and brain teasing - perfect for my two curious boys! T began to see the connection between multiplication and division and is just starting on fractions; PJ is starting to appreciate word problems and his reading skills have tripled in the last months.
We're still struggling with "screen time" and it's an overpowering impulse for these boys. We have to earn it by doing chores and doing our learning time. I just wish I didn't have PJ asking me for Xbox, PS3 and Wii games ten times per day! It gets really old, really fast. This weekend I compromised - as long as PJ read all the dialog, he can play My Sims Agent. It's pretty fun watching him read all this stuff!
Television is T's addiction. We recently upgraded our cable package so the Hubs and I could watch The Walking Dead. (I mean, who doesn't love Zombies?) Well, along with our show, we were graced with Cartoon Network. I could go off on a rant here, but will try my best to hold off. Some of the shows are just plain stupid. I do not want my kids watching this stuff, but my gosh they want it - badly! Adventure Time and Annoying Orange are big annoyances, one for the content, the other for it's language. Adventure Time is rated 10+ so that helps my argument on why they can't watch it. The problem is that T is mentally about 13 years old. He wants humor at that level. He relates to Disney's "Austin & Ally" and "Jessie," but he isn't ready emotionally for most of these shows. Le sigh. Plus, anything he watches, little PJ watches too. Double sigh. When we next move, we will not be getting cable television at all. That is my resolution. I hope hubby agrees.
The Recovery
Armed with several thousand retirement dollars, I have taken the first steps to recovering my son. We saw an Allergist and T suffered through 65 pokes on his back to eliminate any food allergies that may be causing his nausea and vomiting. The Allergist, an expert in his field, was extremely alarmed at the description of what we have been experiencing. He referred us to a Pediatric Gastro-Intestinal Specialist and also to a Psychiatrist that he believes to be an expert in the field of anxious children.
We scheduled with the GI guy who turned out to be a very quirky guy himself. He has an Asperger teenager, and was highly entertained by the T Man. As we discussed our experiences and issues, T pipes up with, "What is this Asperger stuff? What are we going to do, make a sandwich out of butts?" The doctor and everyone just burst out laughing. (That's life with my boys!) The doctor explained that sometimes car sickness can indicate an ulcer and asked T if food ever felt stuck halfway down his chest. He was scheduled for an Upper GI barium x-ray for the next week. (that's a whole other post) Long story short, he did not have an ulcer (thank God!) but does appear to have a viral infection in his stomach, causing swelling in the lining/folds of the stomach. We started medicine twice a day last week and we are already seeing a more reasonable, happy child. No vomiting since, but we haven't added any cause for anxiety to the mix since then. We are crossing our fingers. In the meantime, we began to see a gifted-specialized Psychologist, www.drvula.com for therapy. She began working with him just a couple of weeks ago and will be talking about her findings very soon. He has enjoyed both of his sessions, as they are play-based. Last week we began to map out his life in order to pinpoint what may be causing his fear and anxiety.
Looking Forward
I have contacted a Psychiatrist locally, as referred by the Allergist. It turns out he is the resident doctor for a school that is just down the street from us, specializing in special needs kids like mine. I am hoping he will do a full work-up/battery of tests and be able to determine the cause of T's school anxiety.
PJ has been asking to go to school and since he has improved so much in the sensory stuff, I believe he will be ready by Fall. By then we will probably have relocated, as the job in Los Angeles may be coming to an end for the Hubs. Hopefully we will be in a place where there is a school that is affordable and understanding of quirky smart kids like mine.
I recently attended a talk by the esteemed Gifted Psychologist, David Palmer. Aside from all of the reaffirming information I already knew about dealing with gifted kids, he gave us some really wonderful information that I wanted to share. First, he said that K-12 online schools will allow children to work quickly through curriculum and finish years of study at their own pace. This is something I plan on looking into for the Fall. In addition, there is an Early Entrance Program at Cal State Los Angeles, where a kid can begin working on their Bachelor's degree as early as 11. I guess I found this hopeful because right now we have little in terms of a learning Goal. If we can get healthy and decide on a goal, we may have a more motivated child!
As a last minute deal, I was able to attend a parenting workshop by the author of "Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids" Dr. Laura Markham on Emotional Intelligence, or "EQ." She outlined her strategies and tools to "Stop! Drop! (everything) and Breath when things get tough and emotional with your kids. She gave us some "Power Tools" like Empathy, always make sure your child feels heard and understaood; Special Time, always have a bit of special time with them each day and Roughhousing, every single day should have a moment of physical play that will get their giggles out. She explained that Laughter is the best cure for Anxiety. That was an excellent take-away for me!
What really stuck with me was her parenting style definitions and where we fall on the "Strictness" line and the "Support" line and how kids are affected in the long term by our style. The Support line is how much you can support them (be there for them) emotionally and in other ways. She talked about how people that are in touch with their emotions are much more successful with life; and how marriages work better when people are emotionally intelligent. I had to draw out the parenting chart so I can hang it on my bathroom mirror as a reminder. Plus I wanted to share it, as I think many parents could be interested ;-)So our lives are currently filled with doctors, analysis and goals, with the hope that things will turn around not just for T, but for us all. I am feeling hopeful and see a light at the end of that tunnel we were living in for the last couple of months. :)
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